


Here I Am

by frozensight



Series: Sound the Bugle [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, Friendship, Gen, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 19:36:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2162583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frozensight/pseuds/frozensight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes time, but eventually Steve finds Bucky--just not the same one he grew up with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here I Am

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to write a completely different story, and yet it morphed into an additional installment of this little post-tws series I have. Oops.

**Brooklyn 1935**

"Hey Barnes, where's the streetrat?"

"You know his name is Steve, Callahan, and you know he's my best pal, so I'll ask you kindly to knock it off. It ain't easy being a waterboy when you got asthma." Callahan turns around and mutters to their teammates about how a scrawny asthmatic kid has no business being a waterboy anyhow, but Bucky ignores them, searching the far ends of the football field for Steve. The crowds begin to grow louder and the coach tells them to line up, but Steve still isn't there. Bucky's about to go off and look for him—coach's wrath be damned—when finally Steve comes jogging across the field with his wagon laden with the water cooler jostling along behind him. "I was about to think you'd wised up and ditched this god awful job, punk."

"And give you the satisfaction?" Steve gives him a grin through his heavy breathing, and Bucky almost worries that he's about to have an attack when Steve adds, "As if, jerk. Now get out there before coach murders you."

Bucky rolls his eyes, but obeys his best friend anyway—just not before ruffling his hair in punishment for showing up late. Steve makes a disgruntled noise, but allows it. He always allows it.

Steve yells after him, "You better win tonight, Buck!"

"When don't I?" shouts Bucky back, a wide grin on his face as he slips on his helmet and steps in line with his teammates on the field.

*****

**Germany 2014**

It is months after the battle over the Potomac before Steve hears a truly promising lead about Bucky—even now he's still Bucky and only Bucky, the Winter Soldier name be damned—and when Steve and Sam do find him, it's not what they're expecting.

He's sitting at a bar in Germany, hair still long and shaggy, head downcast with a pint in his hand. His metal arm isn't visible—it's cold enough outside that no one judges you for wearing gloves—but Steve knows it's him immediately. Steve motions for Sam to hold back so he can approach Bucky alone, to not startle him. Sam nods and goes to sit at a nearby table, clumsily ordering a beer in German.

Steve settles down on the stool next to Bucky, saying nothing besides the necessary words to get a beer from the bartender. He doesn't do anything but sip his beer, waiting for Bucky to make the next move. This tentative...something between them is like a game of chess. Steve is white—he moved first and he found Bucky; now it's black's turn.

"I didn't want to be found," is all Bucky says, his voice soft and tired.

"I know; figured I'd find you anyway."

That makes Bucky scoff, which Steve takes as a good sign. "I'm not who you think I am."

"I don't think you're anybody you're not."

For the first time since the Potomac, Bucky meets his eyes, and the pain and self-loathing Steve sees there makes his stomach nauseous. "Yes, you do. You think I'm this...Barnes guy. You think I'm your best friend. Your war buddy. A hero."

Steve realizes he does think that's who he is, and he also realizes that maybe that's not how Bucky would think of himself, even if given enough time for the effects of the memory wiping machine to wear off. "If that's how you feel, then who are you?"

"Not a hero that's for sure," grumbles Bucky as he drinks deeply from his glass. Steve opens his mouth, hundreds of words popping in his mind on how to refute that statement, but Bucky gives him an annoyed look and Steve shuts his mouth. "Don't try to tell me I am. That I was. That I could be still. I'm not, end of story. I'm an assassin, a murderer, a pawn in someone's game. I'm not even my own person—not anymore."

Unfortunately this is when Steve's words fail him, and he covers up his silence by drinking. Neither of them speak for awhile, and Steve starts to feel like a heel for not interrupting Bucky when he had the words. He finishes his pint and orders another one before he finally says, "You can be whoever you want to be now, you should know that, Buck."

Bucky's voice is barely a whisper when he goes, "Don't call me that."

This Steve expects at least, so he asks, "What  _can_ I call you?"

"Nothing would be preferable," begins Bucky, fingers playing with the condensation on his glass rather than even glancing Steve's way, "But I have a feeling that wouldn't be good enough for you."

"Everyone has to have a name."

"And yet, all the ones that used to be mine seem to fit me like clothes five sizes too small now."

Steve shrugs. "Then come up with a new one until you're ready."

"What if I'm not ready for years?"

"Then you're not ready, and I'll respect that."

Bucky shakes his head, like he can't believe Steve—can't believe that someone like Captain America would want to be near someone like him, the Winter Soldier. Eventually he breathes out slowly and says, "Richard."

Steve raises an eyebrow, borderline amused. "Richard?"

But Bucky just nods, his eyes focused straight ahead on the shelves behind the bar, like he is reading the labels on the liquor bottles. "Richard Jones."

The name sounds weird even though it's a common name, and Steve knows he's going to mess up and call him Bucky or Barnes dozens of time and it'll work against him, but he can't be fouled for trying can he?

"Alright then, Richard. What do you say we get out of here? Head some place where you can get help."

Bucky— _Richard_ —shifts nervously. "I don't know that I deserve help."

"Everyone deserves help, Richard, and everyone deserves second chances."

He doesn't say anything for a few seconds. Then he lays down a 20€, whispers something in German to the bartender, and stands up. "Lead the way, Rogers."

For the first time since he got off the plane in Germany, Steve smiles. "Then follow me, Richard."

It's soft, hardly there, but Steve catches it when Richard replies, "I get the feeling I always have."

Steve doesn't say anything to indicate he hears him. He just calls over Sam and introduces him to Richard. Sam takes the name in stride, grinning broadly at their new—yet old—companion. Richard gives a brief nod at Sam as they shake hands and doesn't say anything. Steve, as promised, leads the way out of the bar, with Richard and then Sam trailing after him.

He doesn't mention how close they are to the place where Bucky fell; how despite the decades of torture and brainwashing, Rick managed to return to the place where Bucky last existed; and he especially doesn't mention how despite the years and various renovations, Steve recognizes that the bar they are at had been the very same bar Steve had tried to get drunk at after Bucky fell.

*****

**New York City 2015**

Step by step, Richard becomes Bucky again.

Well, he's not  _really_ Bucky. Steve gets used to the idea that the Bucky he grew up with won't ever truly come back—not as he used to be if anything—but this new version of Bucky is nothing to complain about. He makes less jokes about himself now, though Steve can always see that the self-deprecating ones are still on the tip of his tongue most days. Richard doesn't mention the things he did as the Winter Soldier, except after a particularly bad nightmare or panic attack. Sam helps a lot on those days, and Steve's glad that Richard easily opens up to Sam, even if it means that Richard doesn't open as easily to Steve. He has someone to talk to, and that's enough for him. He hopes one day Richard will be able to confide in him like he does Sam.

They stay with Tony, despite Steve's protests. "Don't be ridiculous, Rogers. I don't think you want to explain to your landlord why there's a new hole in your wall every other week, not to mention pay for the repairs. This way, it's a secluded, relatively safe environment for 'Rich' to recover."

This time Steve thanks him, even if he knows Tony's just going to wave it off like what he's doing for them doesn't cost him a small fortune. "I have bigger ones," he'd probably say if Steve was to mention it.

Part of the rehabilitating Richard back into Bucky plan involves using the Alzheimer's gadget that Bruce and Tony have been working on while Steve and Sam found Bucky. Richard does a session with it every week, twice if he feels up to it. The memories are slow to come back, though some practically barrel Richard over, which always causes the session to be terminated prematurely. Steve oversees every session, alongside Tony, Bruce, and Sam, and every time he feels helpless. The fear in Richard's eyes as they situate the almost helmet like gadget around his head is palpable, but everyone—including Richard—is painfully aware that a machine that works on your brain is inevitably going to be shaped to go on your head.

Sometimes when he comes out of the machine—the Elephant, as Tony is fond of calling it—Richard smiles. He remembered a date he had with a great dame or an evening where he and Steve went to the pictures. Other times, he comes out screaming. He remembered a time where they had to force him back into the memory wiping machine, or a mission that had been particularly difficult to stomach.

"They were kids," Richard whispers after one session where he doesn't come out screaming, but crying. Steve can still hear his haunted voice in his ears.

Overall though, the Elephant is a success.

"He'll never recover  _all_ of his memories, that's impossible even for those of us who haven't been traumatized by overzealous science Nazis, but he's done far better than Bruce and I ever expected." Tony beams at Steve during one of their sparring matches in the gym that have become a regular part of their routine. He’s proud that his device functions how it should, and Steve can tell that he's also happy that it helped Richard. He doesn't say that he is, and Steve would never ask him to confirm it, but he's glad Tony feels that way all the same.

In between sessions for Richard and various missions for the rest of them—S.H.I.E.L.D. may have been down, but supervillains never sleep—Richard is largely left up to his own devices. He starts a few hobbies, though nothing seems to stick for very long. He goes to the gym a lot, and he's gets to where he doesn't mind sparring with Steve either. Once, Steve walks in on Richard and Tony sparring, which soothed the small part of Steve that worried about Richard and Tony being in the same place. Richard never mentions the session where he found out he killed Tony's parents, but Steve can tell when Richard finally confronts Tony about it because Tony becomes decidedly less edgy around Richard.

However, the moment Steve knows they've truly made progress is when Richard casually says, "I think I'm ready."

It takes Steve a minute to understand what he means since they'd been watching a movie, but when he does, he smiles widely. "You sure?"

Richard gives him a soft smile in return, the slightest bit of hesitancy noticeable, but still incredibly confident. "I'm sure, Steve."

"Well all right then...Bucky." Steve almost laughs in relief when Richard— _Bucky_ —nods and returns his attention to the movie like the exchange never happened at all.

Steve breathes easier and feels more relaxed. He hadn't realized how tense he's been in the months following finding Bucky in Germany, and now Bucky is Bucky again.

Except, Steve thinks, he's not  _just_ Bucky. He's something new and great all on his own—something that Hydra could've never taken away.


End file.
